Journaling is such a great thing. It's a chance to record your thoughts etc - but what's really cool is when you go back and read old entries that hit home in a big way many years later. I always think that means you've travelled the right path...it's a sort of synchronicity between the old you and the you you are today. I've been reading through some old entries and a couple have really hit hard. Given that Mothering seems to have emerged as my recent theme I thought I'd share this one. I think it was written about 10 years ago.
"It's funny how sometimes things you've known in your heart for years come flooding into your brain like an epiphany. Like the sudden realisation that your parents are always going to be "Mom and Dad" and the house they live in will always be "home". Maybe it's because they bring the things you grew up with. Maybe it's because there are pictures and stories and blankets that bring moments and memories flooding back. For me I think maybe it's the simple fact that - to them - I will always be that little girl that loved to dance on the piano bench and stare out the window looking at "all the people". It's sad and wonderful all at once.
Under the roofs that kept me warm and dry and loved for so many years I've learned and grown and become a woman - Wonderful
I've had to learn many a lesson the hard way, there have been times when I felt pretty pitiful - even jaded. Not that little girl at all - Sad
I've experienced and grown to understand my life lessons in a way that shapes who I become and will influence the environment my own children will grow up in - wonderful.
No matter how low I got my parents were always there to remind me of who I was as a child - who I was to them - and who I could be, if I wanted to be again - Unspeakable magic "
A dear friend pointed out to me recently that I am one of her few friends who not only can tolerate my parents for extended periods of time- but looks forward to visits. She asked me what I thought the secret was. What was it that they did - or didn't do that keeps me coming back. At first I was taken aback. Is it really that unusual?? I'd never thought about it. It is possible that my children could grow up and not want to visit me?? This is terrifying!! Then I thought about it - and have continued to think about it since. What is it?? It's this....the stuff this 10 year old journal entry was getting at. The pure love, the acceptance. The quirky imperfections and the humour. The fact that there is no pressure to be anything - except happy - true to ourselves. My parents didn't raise me to be a certain person. Of course they instilled their values and ideals. But they didn't try to shape me. Instead, they noticed who I was and nurtured that. Helped me to remember when I felt lost and have been endlessly supportive.
This will be my unwavering goal as a mother. And if all goes well, my kids will visit me too ;D
G'Night
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