Even Insomnia has an upside

The insomnia started sometime during my second pregnancy.  It comes and goes and has never lasted for more than two weeks.  Usually it's caused by Restless Leg Syndrome - sometimes it's caused by....I don't know - life I guess. 
The first time I had insomnia really badly (for an extended time) was shortly after Loukah was born. Eric had gone to work so I was alone with the boys, and I couldn't fall asleep - or stay asleep.  I tried everything.  I mean EVERYTHING.  Every suggestion anyone had to offer and everything I had ever suggested to clients at work.  It was not only useless but agonisingly frustrating.  I came to wonder how it was after all these years none of my clients had ever punched me in the face? lol...all the time spent offering well meaning, completely crappy ideas!  What a bunch of kind and patient folks I've been working with!
Upside number one - I will be a better case worker because I will have more empathy and less handy dandy BS to offer.

My typical way of managing sleep issues is to try to relax.  I tell myself I may not be sleeping but at least I can try to rest.  This is not as easy as it sounds when your legs are doing the holky pokey all by themselves...but I try.  I let my mind wander - try to think about pleasant things - try to appreciate the quiet.

Upside number two - I have a little time to myself in a quiet house

Recently I've had a lot on my mind.  Starting this Blog has been kind of like opening a public diary and it's got me doing a lot of soul searching.  Writing about mothering in particular has been a revelation.  I always knew I wanted children in my life - be they mine - other peoples - family - adopted....somehow or another I would be sure to have the presence of children.  AND I love being a mother!  But this is only one role I play - a small and solitary part of who I am.

Upside number three - soul searching

I've spent some time staring at the ceiling and asking myself - who I am now....who do I want to be...and what do I need in order to bring back the balance (who knows - maybe this will solve some of the insomnia?!?) I haven't come up with all the answers...but I have a few good ideas.

First and foremost I am a people person.
I love people...they fascinate me.  They entertain - inspire - at times disappoint me.  At the end of the day I know in my heart that the nature of people is fundamentally good.
I am an optimist
I am very athletic in my heart - only average athletic in my body....but I can dance like a Demon on fire!! I have MUSIC in my SOUL !! :D

I value compassion above all other traits.  I believe that without compassion nothing else works.

I WANT to be...
A go getter (but I'm kind of lazy ...teehee)
Inspirational (but my life is pretty average ...ah well...)
Skinny (but I love sweet things...yummm..)

I will settle for...
Children who know they are loved and grow up understanding compassion
A family and friends who understand the depths to which I cherish them.
Retro 70's furnishing in a well built home lol ( you gotta' see it to believe it!)

I will not settle for...
Forgetting my own goals (like going back to school - or doing foreign aid work)
Growing sedentary
Standing idly by while others suffer

There is alot more I'm still thinking about.  My life's passion, deepest regret, purest goal.  I'm far from having it figured out.  Which leads to

Upside number four-  You always know there will be time to think about it some more.

I'd prefer a tropical vacation with a bottle of wine and my journal.
Instead I have insomnia and this blog.
Ah....could be much worse ;)

G'Night