How do you spell Epiphany???

I don't know - is that right? E P I P H A N Y?  It looks wrong - but no matter.
Last night after a particularly strange day coming on the heels of a couple tough weeks in which Trystan is asserting his little Toddler self in Big Toddler ways....I fell asleep...before he did lol.
I woke up at about 3 in the morning and stumbled into the kitchen to make Loukah a bottle - I reached for the formula and found myself scooping peanut butter instead!  Next I headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth.  I stood there pondering recent events.  I can't say I've been particularly pleased with the way I've handled some of T man's behaviour lately.  I am surprised by how easy it is to be a good parent when your child is good - and how hard it is to still be a good parent when your child is pressing all your buttons (with vigor and pleasure I might add! lol).  I have found myself yelling (a promise we long ago made NOT to do in this home), bribing, and having conversations like... "Stop it" - "no you stop it"! 
Oh my God - did I actually get into a "you stop it" fight with my three year old!?  For shame Mommy!

So...I stood staring at that little pink card, the one I spoke about New Years Eve.  Stood, staring, waivering between laughter and tears.  I was feeling amused -yet  a little ashamed - and quite tired.  Suddenly I saw that little phrase as if for the first time.  Today - suddenly I read it from the perspective of mothering. The card in full reads:

"Loving is the whole point
Love Imperfectly
Keep surprise close at hand
Make lots of mistakes
Be willing to live in between right and wrong." 

I cried.
I'm crying as I write this. With the deepest most unexplainable sense of relief.  Because in those moments when I find my three year old is getting the best of me.  Or that I'm failing my infant because he gets no where near the time and attention Trystan got as an infant; I sometimes feel lost in mothering. I fear that I'm doing something wrong.  But when I read my little pink card - I think things here are so very right. AND when I think even further about this little life we've built (Eric and I )- it's not perfect or simple but it works.  In fact we often comment about how rich and lucky we feel!  I think that's because - to the depths of our being - we believe that LOVING is the whole point.  Maybe this is lifes meaning?  Maybe it's been staring me in the face all this time?  The meaning of life isn't just to live it.  It's to LOVE.

I'm rambling now...better go scoop some peanut butter for the baby and hang the cat up to dry ;p

G'Night
(with Love)