I may have been Catholic in my previous life. Or maybe I was just really bad, I'm not sure. But I am very aware that guilt is a prominent emotion for me. At times it's been helpful. It's a motivator. But for the most part it's just stupid. I'm a good person, I don't think I need to feel guilty all the time. But I kind of do - no....I do.
I have guilt over everything, and I mean everything! I feel guilty if I take time to myself, guilty for sleeping in, guilty for spending money, or not spending enough time with my kids. I feel guilty that I have things and my clients at work struggle to make ends meet. Guilty that we don't have more sponsor children and haven't put away more for our children's education! I feel guilty for not spending enough time or energy on my family, for being so bad at staying in touch with friends and family. I feel guilty about the bracelet of my mothers that I lost 30 years ago...the cookie tin I lost at camp 20 years ago. Not sharing my house better 10 years ago. Not going to my brothers hockey games, and stealing gum from my sisters Halloween candy when we were kids!..On and on it goes. I feel guilty about everything!
As most mothers - parents for that matter - can relate to there's a lot of guilt involved in parenting even when you're not a guilt ridden person. The guilt when you make the decision to breast feed or not - when to stop breastfeeding. The guilt the first time you accidentally allow your child to fall, or nip the tip of a little finger when cutting his nails. It's all so normal, inevitable even, but you feel guilty!!
I have been fortunate to be off on maternity leave with a fabulous group of women. We chat at play group and have each other over periodically for play date/ mommy time visits. One day, as I finished apologising for not responding to someones message, one of these dear ladies said to me "we all have enough mommy guilt without worrying about stuff like that - don't apologise" (a chorus of angels Ah AH AHHHH!!) She had no idea what that statement meant to me at the time or how far it would go. (Thank you Jen ;))
Among my many goals - I'm working very hard at letting go of guilt. I started with sleep. When Eric is home and I get a chance to sleep in - I take it. Step one is - I do it even though I feel guilty. I have noticed that I feel less guilty each time - so I guess it's working.
Around the house - especially during the weeks when I'm alone with the boys I try to do things for myself a little more. I put Loukah in his saucer while Trystan watches his morning show so I can have a quick bath. This may seem obvious but it wasn't for me - not for a long time! 'Loukah shouldn't be seeing TV he's too little'!. I stop and make myself a coffee in the morning. Again - obvious - but not. Up until recently everything seemed like a game of beat the clock in which, if I wanted something, I had to find a way of squeezing it in - in such a way as to NOT inconvenience anyone, or take even a moment away from my time with my family. If I didn't find that moment. Too bad for me! But I'm quickly realising that we all win when I take this few guilty moments. I feel more awake, patient and happy when I get a shower and a cup of coffee. I'm more relaxed when I stop clocking how much TV there's been and just relax into a tub of water for 5 minutes! Etc Etc. The end result - better days = less to feel guilty about!!
So...where does this leave me? Still feeling guilty a lot - that's just who I am. It will take a while before I can honestly claim to have let it go completely. BUT I'm learning that in much of what I feel guilty about I'm not alone. Another big chunk is really silly. A whole lot more I will have to just go ahead and do anyway. I will have to live with the guilt until it fades! If it doesn't fade - well, I'll come back in my next life as a Catholic! :)
I'm learning that letting go of the guilt is difficult - but a worthy endeavour. So I'll keep at it.
Now - I've spent too long writing this while Trystan waits for me to read him his good night story...the guilt is KILLING me!! I gotta' go.
G'Night
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