Love

We have a card on our bathroom mirror that says "Love imperfectly, keep surprise close at hand, be willing to live between right and wrong".  It's been there for a long time.  The truth is I'm not sure Eric has ever read it! lol...I'm sure he has, but it's there more for me anyway.  When I first put it up I liked it - but wasn't really sure what it meant.  There was something I couldn't comprehend in the notion of living between right and wrong.  It was a foreign concept to me.  To me there had always been two categories...Right and Wrong!  I wondered how this even applied to loving as I immediately was thinking or morality AND wondered if I would really want to do that??  Thus this little pink card found its home on our bathroom mirror.

Brushing my teeth has many times become an opportunity to explore the question of "living between right and wrong" - and of course I finally have been able to look outside the moral concept to what I perceive as the bigger idea.  In the inevitable conflicts of life the question of who's right or wrong can so often bubble up.  But loving is about so much more than right or wrong.  In fact part of loving is letting go of being right.  It's about letting yourself be wrong even when you're right!  It's about forgiving others for being wrong.  Sometimes it's about letting each other think we're right when we're wrong!!  Or being wrong and laughing together about how ridiculously wrong you were!  Loving is about the human condition of vulnerability - which is fallibility.  The beauty of love is that it's safe to be who you are - and who you are....just so we're all clear...is WRONG sometimes! lol  Love is about so many moments when right or wrong doesn't matter at all!!!

It's New Years Eve and as we move into 2012 I can not think of any better resolution than to work harder at living between right and wrong.  And every day be thankful for the people in my life who teach me how to LOVE better.

Happy New Year!

G'night

It's easier to teach than to un-teach

The other night I was reading to my son in his bed when I noticed the cat was scratching the sofa at the end of the hall.  I put on my "angry voice" and yelled "Hiway - stop it" then I picked up a toy foot ball and launched it down the hall.  I DID NOT aim for or hit the cat.  In the eyes of a three year old however this was murderous behaviour!  "Mommy" he said with a sad and scolding look.  "Don't throw my ball at Hiway"!  I explained that I only meant to scare Hiway away from the sofa - then conceeded that he was right - I should not throw balls at Hiway (for shame Mommy). 
My son, satisfied that he had taught me a lesson, then got out of bed to retrieve his ball.  When he got to the end of the hall he looked at Hiway  - took a deep breath and roared "Stop it Hiway"!  The poor creature had been eating it the kitchen.  She flew across the room and down the stairs faster than I've ever seen her move.  Trystan looked at me with a proud smile "see Mommy, I'm not nice too"!
I have some un-teaching to do :(

Rewriting old scripts

I have never subscribed to the advice "If you want something done right do it yourself".  I'll admit there have been a few moments of serious crankiness where I mumbled it under my breath!  But I've never believed it.  However, tonight -  I spent some time re-arranging our basement.  This is something I've spoken about and asked for help with a number of times over the past months.  It just never made it onto the priority list and I kept waiting and waiting for Eric to do it.  Now winter is here and I'm alone 7 of 14 days.  I needed the back door cleared and set up so that I could move in and out of the house without either dropping - losing or freaking out at one of my children! SO....I did it myself.  As I was working away (happily), all I kept thinking was...."why didn't I do this myself months ago!?"  I've decided that the real advice should be...  "If you want something done....DO it"!  Don't get me wrong I'm in support of asking for help, but seriously...were my arms broken?? lol  This was important for ME in a way that I could only possibly impress upon single parents.  Why should I expect Eric to understand when he doesn't have to deal with the same issues?  Why should he have to try to anticipate what I want when I'm fully capable of making the needed changes myself!?   I felt good about my little project this evening - and it's set up just the way I want it.  SO....I say again - for all the world...
If you want something done....do it!!!

G'Night

And Merry Christmas by the way ;)

'Roxy' and 'The Voice'

This is the first of what I'm sure will be many entries about 'Roxy' and 'The Voice'.  Today is for Roxy.

We met several years ago by happenstance and I think our friendship developed as much out of curiosity as anything else.  On paper we have very little in common.  Roxy's not much of a talker - I could talk the ass end off a mule!  Roxy loves all things Urban - I am happiest when I'm off grid.  Roxy loves to shake things up and be shocking - I spend way too much energy trying NOT to rock the boat! And on it goes...

I'm quite certain that in the early days of getting to know each other Roxy would answer my phone calls with a sigh and a fake smile.  But over the years we have developed a unique, kind of familial bond that I think we both cherish deeply ( I know I do).  We respect and admire each other for the very differences that, in another life, would have stood between us. 

This is probably the most unexpected and delightful friendship I have ever made - and it's taught me a lot about friendship in general.  It's made me realize that we miss out on a lot of amazing people by seaking out those who are too similar to ourselves.  It's taught me to be bold - and that curiosity is a damn good reason to seek out a friend!  I've also learned how to get to know a person by listening and observing rather than asking a lot of questions (Roxy's favorite response is "I don't know").  These are big lessons!!  Big steps outside my typical M.O.

In addition to being dear friends, Roxy and The Voice are also two of the most unique characters I've ever known.  Where ever they go a good story is sure to evolve.  There's a few D. D.Diamonds in the vault I look forward to sharing.  All in good time.

G'Night

Fat pants and "I don't care" days

I remember these expressions from high school.  My girl firends and I would laugh and say - "I had to wear my fat pants today"  or "I'm having an I don't care day".  These were the little phrases we used to tell each other and ourselves that we weren't having the greatest day but we were trying to keep a sense of humour about it.  It worked pretty well!  I don't know why I let myself forget those phrases.  But two babies, a cheese loving french husband and a week of Christmas treats have brought them to the forefront of my mind today.  I think I'll reintroduce both to my vocabulary again!

It seems that most of us spend a lot of time stressing over the minute imperfections we see in the mirror - or photos of ourselves.  I've noticed a funny phenomenon over the past few years.  Old pictures that I clearly remember looking at and saying "God I look fat" I now look at and say "Hmmm not so bad"   - pictures from yesterday "God I look fat"  but 2 years from now I know I'll say "not so bad".  It's hilarious!  Why not take a breath today and say...."what the heck....not so bad"!?  This isn't something I claim to be able to do.  But it sure would be worth a try.  I'm going to spend some energy on it.  In the mean time I'll pull out my fat pants and schedule in a couple of I don't care days  :)

John Denver

So...the scene was this:
I borrowed my parents car for a short road trip while they took care of the boys.  This kind of down time, time alone is a rare opportunity for me.  I hopped in the car turned on the stereo and headed off.  John Denver started crooning and I was crooning right along.  Why - you might ask does a 36 year old woman have the ability to croon with good ole John?...Well I just do  -ok!?
About 10 minutes down the road "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" came on.  I love that zippy fun song!  I cranked it up and started to dance in my seat - and then....I cried.  Not just "Oh the sun's in my eyes" kind of tears but big soppy inconsolable ugly tears.  The kind that probably should have made me pull over.  WHAT!??  Why was I crying??  I still don't really know.  I think it was a combination of many factors.  Fatigue, excitement, good memories and the realization that my little babes weren't in the back seat,  I was by myself for the first time in a very long time and though I was pleased about it - it felt foreign and lonely.

I composed myself and continued driving.  Another song came on...I started to sing along...I realized that Eric would really make fun of me if he knew, that I knew all the words to all these old cheesy songs.  I laughed out loud to myself and started singing again - and then ....I cried.

Maybe sometimes you just need a little John Denver and a good cry.

Joy

There is no secret to finding joy.  We all know what to do.  Work less, play more.  Spend time with people who make us laugh.  surround ourselves with simple, pretty, fun things - like caterpillars and snails.  We had it right as children - then forgot as we grew older. We lost it the day we started searching for it.

You don't need to search for Joy...it's all around.  Breath in deeply and you can feel it, if you allow yourself to.  Watch trees blow in the wind and you see it.  Create something.  Grow something.  Eat.  Listen to music.  Hug someone.  Forgive someone.  In all these things you sense it.

Joy is everywhere.  Even in the most destitute corners of the world (sometimes even more so I think).  Joy is in everything!  We simply need to stop seeking it - and start living it!

Happiness

The way I see it, happiness is not a goal - it's a choice.

Why?

Why?
Why am I doing this?  Sitting in my kitchen "blogging" when I've never read one and didn't really even understand what they were until this past weekend!
I guess it's because I feel like I have something to say.
To Whom?
I don't know.  Myself - the world...who ever wants to hear it, maybe no one! lol
But ever since a dear friend asked me last year "what do you think the meaning of life is"? I've wanted to talk about it.  I truly believe it's as simple as....to live it! So - every day the meaning of life changes a little.  Every day we live is about some other thing, moment, challenge, lesson.  This is what I want to explore.  So - here I sit.  My son sitting beside me eating grapes at 10pm, because he's not tired - he's hungry for grapes.  My husband wondering why I'm not fighting him to bed...because it's 10 pm!  :)  The meaning of my life today - is this little project, this little family.  Today my life is about trying something new.  It's about love...bedtime...and grapes :)  I'm excited about this project, I'm curious to see where it goes (if anywhere) and how many late night snacks it will take to get us there.

talk to you later! Who ever you are :)