When I was pregnant with Trystan I began having nightmares.
The first was probably the most frightening experience of my life. I call it a nightmare - but in truth, it was an experience that changed me. It felt like a brush with something unworldly. I still find it difficult to talk about and I am often haunted by images or thoughts from this experience.
The other nightmares emerged with a recurrent theme of drowning. Each time I was responsible...each time - we all drown. It was horrifying. I was afraid that these were foreshadowing of some sort of postpartum psychosis and had no idea what to make of them.
One day a client of mine was telling me about the dream work she was doing to deal with her own depression. She explained that dreams are simply stories that can never harm you - but you need to assign meaning to them in order to direct your conscious and alleviate stress. She had no idea that day what an impact she was having on me (she should have been the one getting paid for that session!) I went home thinking about all these terrible images I had been grappling with in my sleep. What could the meaning be? How can I turn these experiences into something positive - useful...or at the very least - less terrifying?
The first - I have to admit I have never fully come to grips with - but have gained some level of comfort from the idea that I needed to stop allowing shame and guilt to play such a powerful role in my life. I'm still working on these abilities.
The other dreams...the drowning dreams have become a huge part of my parenting philosophy. In these dreams - I realised - that I was never actually afraid. I did all I could to save myself and my family - but I only felt fear when I woke up and realised what I had been dreaming. So there it is...I decided that as a mother I need to teach my children - do everything you can to live - but never be afraid to die.
This may seem very dark and gloomy to some, but I find it inspiring. It gives me direction in my parenting - and in my spirituality. We are not a religious family in the church sense of the word. But we have strong beliefs in the universe, in goodness and love and living life in a mindful way. I believe that being able to talk about death is an important part of living. Recognising the circle of life - and exploring your ideas about what is 'beyond' can be an exciting conversation! Most of all - I believe that the worst part of death is the fear of it. So...if we can find a way NOT to fear it, we are free to live!
Don't get me wrong...I don't kiss my kids on the head at night and say..."fight to live but die smiling!" I just keep this idea in the back of my mind - and I reflect carefully on how I answer questions - how I will answer questions as they come in the future. We encourage our children to value all lives from bugs to biggies. We talk about death in a matter of fact way - try not to make it more or less than it is. And we talk about life in all its beauty. We point out the changing of seasons. We notice out loud the smells in the air, the greens all around us, the flowers sprouting up from last years bulbs.
Life is not always easy, it can be ugly and confusing and we are all touched at times by things that we can not understand. But living...living is a marvellous thing no matter how long - or short - or challenging the experience may be...MARVELLOUS. If my children can understand that I will have done my job - and I will die smiling. :D
G'Night
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
Sunday, 25 March 2012
Legacy
If you haven't seen The Lorax you are missing out. It's fun, funny, vibrant and beautiful - and it made me cry (what doesn't? lol). I hope it has the same effect on everyone who sees it - because if you're watching it in all it's many layers I think it's worthy of a tear or two.
I've been an environmentally conscious person for a long time. But it wasn't until I became a mother that the true importance of the environment dawned on me. The way I see it - earth is our most important legacy. What could be more important than the world we leave behind for our children to contend with - survive in!? We want them to thrive, explore and flourish. We stress the importance of health and education - emotional stability and good social conscious - but all that could easily be over shadowed by a quest for simpler things - like fresh water, clean air, pure soil! I think many of us still find the idea of that so frightening (and inconvenient) that we refuse to acknowledge it. We still want to roll our eyes and tell ourselves "those outspoken environmentalists are just high strung hippies with a habit of exaggerating". We like to convince ourselves of things like it's okay to use water because it's a renewable resource and it's okay to use plastic now because we recycle! We don't want to hear about the fact that not all water is usable and we consume it far more quickly than the water cycle is completed. We don't want to know about the hundreds of thousands of tonnes of plastic floating around in the oceans - or the dumps because we can put it in the blue bin but unless someone buys it and re purposes it, it goes nowhere! This is frightening! Who wants to hear this stuff?? I sure don't! But the reality is we still consume too many raw resources and produce far too much waste per capita to sustain the eco system! Each and every one of us is leaving a BIG dent, not a foot print - but a crater on the earth!
This bothers me. As I watched the film I kept asking myself - who's the Lorax in the real world?? Who speaks for the trees? Are we really the guardians of the earth?? I shed a tear for shame because I realised despite my concerns for the future - I don't do enough. I shed a tear for hope - because I think there is still a great deal we can do if we all decide to make just a little more effort. The question is....are we willing? Can we all speak for the trees?? I shed a tear in panic because I fear too many of us will shrug our shoulders and say - "I do my best, they"ll come up with something before it's too late"....who's "THEY"?? Are "they" our children?? I don't want that! In the same way I don't ask my son to come in and clean up my room or make my bed! It's my responsibility! Either keep it clean or clean it up - isn't that the rule? Isn't that what we teach them??
So...
Are we willing?
Can we do it?
I sure hope the answer is YES...
I know in this household things are already changing...we will continue to try harder - to do more - to be the guardians...because if I can't leave a perfect legacy I at least want my children to know I did all I could. And though they will still be stuck with a mess to deal with maybe they won't have to claw their way up out of my crater.
G'Night
I've been an environmentally conscious person for a long time. But it wasn't until I became a mother that the true importance of the environment dawned on me. The way I see it - earth is our most important legacy. What could be more important than the world we leave behind for our children to contend with - survive in!? We want them to thrive, explore and flourish. We stress the importance of health and education - emotional stability and good social conscious - but all that could easily be over shadowed by a quest for simpler things - like fresh water, clean air, pure soil! I think many of us still find the idea of that so frightening (and inconvenient) that we refuse to acknowledge it. We still want to roll our eyes and tell ourselves "those outspoken environmentalists are just high strung hippies with a habit of exaggerating". We like to convince ourselves of things like it's okay to use water because it's a renewable resource and it's okay to use plastic now because we recycle! We don't want to hear about the fact that not all water is usable and we consume it far more quickly than the water cycle is completed. We don't want to know about the hundreds of thousands of tonnes of plastic floating around in the oceans - or the dumps because we can put it in the blue bin but unless someone buys it and re purposes it, it goes nowhere! This is frightening! Who wants to hear this stuff?? I sure don't! But the reality is we still consume too many raw resources and produce far too much waste per capita to sustain the eco system! Each and every one of us is leaving a BIG dent, not a foot print - but a crater on the earth!
This bothers me. As I watched the film I kept asking myself - who's the Lorax in the real world?? Who speaks for the trees? Are we really the guardians of the earth?? I shed a tear for shame because I realised despite my concerns for the future - I don't do enough. I shed a tear for hope - because I think there is still a great deal we can do if we all decide to make just a little more effort. The question is....are we willing? Can we all speak for the trees?? I shed a tear in panic because I fear too many of us will shrug our shoulders and say - "I do my best, they"ll come up with something before it's too late"....who's "THEY"?? Are "they" our children?? I don't want that! In the same way I don't ask my son to come in and clean up my room or make my bed! It's my responsibility! Either keep it clean or clean it up - isn't that the rule? Isn't that what we teach them??
So...
Are we willing?
Can we do it?
I sure hope the answer is YES...
I know in this household things are already changing...we will continue to try harder - to do more - to be the guardians...because if I can't leave a perfect legacy I at least want my children to know I did all I could. And though they will still be stuck with a mess to deal with maybe they won't have to claw their way up out of my crater.
G'Night
Thursday, 8 March 2012
A little mystery
I have something to talk about tonight that has nothing to do with Mothering (go figure)! It's strange but true - I actually have something happening in my life right now besides children :)
In December we received a couple of really cool packages in the mail. The first was a parcel - delivered in a cooled box by UPS. Inside - two wonderfully yummy bricks of cheese. The sender - Anonymous. I searched friends and family but no one would admit to sending it. We thought this was a delightful Secret Santa gesture by some beloved person and enjoyed every morsel by noon the same day! Some friends were concerned about us eating this anonymous food - I thought it was really fun and had no doubt it was safe.
About 3 days after the anonymous cheese another parcel arrived. This time -two bottles of wine. Same mode of delivery - no sender. Once again no one came forward to accept our thanks for this lovely gift. We counted ourselves very lucky to have such a generous friend in our lives and downed the mystery wine with glee.
Yesterday I arrived home to find a book in my mailbox. This item was not mailed - it was hand delivered. It was not wrapped in any way. There is no name, no marking....nothing! It's clear that the book is not new - but has been handled with care by its previous owner. That owner being....anonymous. I find this to be a delightful mystery. I have NO idea if the book is related to the December gifts. I assume that it is but there's no way to be sure.
So - here's the thing. When I began reading the book it's based on a young woman who receives several anonymous packages in her mailbox (symmetry). They pose the questions - "who are you?" and "where does the world come from?" GULP I search my mind....who out there in my life knows how these questions have haunted me since I was very very young?? Who - if anyone besides my mother - have I told that I used to sit in the bathtub and wonder if I was real - or just someone else's idea!!? Could it be - that this is a coincidence?? Who chose this book? Why did they choose it for me? Why did they decide to put it in my mailbox anonymously? Did they have any idea what an impact it would have? Did they even realise the symmetry in the way it was delivered? Was that the point? Is this the game?? Should I be freaking out? (because truth be told there's a small voice in the back of my head saying..."creepy Kate - a little wee bit creepy") I have no idea what to make of this!
Maybe someone felt it would be nice to give me a little food for thought. This blog is about the meaning of life after all....so let's start with the basics. You can't really discuss the meaning of life until you address these questions? Who are you? and Where did the world come from?? So....what do YOU think?
Not long ago I read a book called 'The Untethered Soul' this book discussed the question of self in detail - and I found myself leaning toward the concept that I am the soul who experiences the experiences. I would be the same observer no matter who I was born to, what my name was and what experiences I had. The I, the self is not the living, it's the entity experiencing life.....hmmmmmm.....yep - that's it in a nut shell.
As for where the world began....???? Shoot - I don't know!
Nothing comes of nothing, and yet here we are! And, as my little Sophie says (The Book is Sophie's World by the way). Even if God is the answer - God is still not the answer because God had to have a beginning in order to be God!!! YIKES!!! Damn Damn Damn....
So here I sit for the first time in a very long time. I close my eyes and wonder....are we real?
Am I real or am I someone else's idea?
AND if I am someone else's idea - who is it?
AND Where did their world come from???
This is exciting, and overwhelming all at once. Damn you anonymous gift giver! Damn you!
In addition to the mystery of my existence I am also left trying to figure out who my anonymous gift giver is! I'm not sure which is more distracting to tell you the truth. Though I admit maybe I should be a little concerned about it. I'm not (okay - maybe just enough to double check the door and window locks lol). Mostly, I'm thrilled to have something to think about - something of my own. A new book and some exercise for my brain.
Having said that ....if my secret friend is reading this blog and planning to give me any more books....could you make it something like a Where's Waldo please?? I don't think I can handle much more right now :D
G'Night (if you can sleep with this stuff rolling around in YOUR head!)
In December we received a couple of really cool packages in the mail. The first was a parcel - delivered in a cooled box by UPS. Inside - two wonderfully yummy bricks of cheese. The sender - Anonymous. I searched friends and family but no one would admit to sending it. We thought this was a delightful Secret Santa gesture by some beloved person and enjoyed every morsel by noon the same day! Some friends were concerned about us eating this anonymous food - I thought it was really fun and had no doubt it was safe.
About 3 days after the anonymous cheese another parcel arrived. This time -two bottles of wine. Same mode of delivery - no sender. Once again no one came forward to accept our thanks for this lovely gift. We counted ourselves very lucky to have such a generous friend in our lives and downed the mystery wine with glee.
Yesterday I arrived home to find a book in my mailbox. This item was not mailed - it was hand delivered. It was not wrapped in any way. There is no name, no marking....nothing! It's clear that the book is not new - but has been handled with care by its previous owner. That owner being....anonymous. I find this to be a delightful mystery. I have NO idea if the book is related to the December gifts. I assume that it is but there's no way to be sure.
So - here's the thing. When I began reading the book it's based on a young woman who receives several anonymous packages in her mailbox (symmetry). They pose the questions - "who are you?" and "where does the world come from?" GULP I search my mind....who out there in my life knows how these questions have haunted me since I was very very young?? Who - if anyone besides my mother - have I told that I used to sit in the bathtub and wonder if I was real - or just someone else's idea!!? Could it be - that this is a coincidence?? Who chose this book? Why did they choose it for me? Why did they decide to put it in my mailbox anonymously? Did they have any idea what an impact it would have? Did they even realise the symmetry in the way it was delivered? Was that the point? Is this the game?? Should I be freaking out? (because truth be told there's a small voice in the back of my head saying..."creepy Kate - a little wee bit creepy") I have no idea what to make of this!
Maybe someone felt it would be nice to give me a little food for thought. This blog is about the meaning of life after all....so let's start with the basics. You can't really discuss the meaning of life until you address these questions? Who are you? and Where did the world come from?? So....what do YOU think?
Not long ago I read a book called 'The Untethered Soul' this book discussed the question of self in detail - and I found myself leaning toward the concept that I am the soul who experiences the experiences. I would be the same observer no matter who I was born to, what my name was and what experiences I had. The I, the self is not the living, it's the entity experiencing life.....hmmmmmm.....yep - that's it in a nut shell.
As for where the world began....???? Shoot - I don't know!
Nothing comes of nothing, and yet here we are! And, as my little Sophie says (The Book is Sophie's World by the way). Even if God is the answer - God is still not the answer because God had to have a beginning in order to be God!!! YIKES!!! Damn Damn Damn....
So here I sit for the first time in a very long time. I close my eyes and wonder....are we real?
Am I real or am I someone else's idea?
AND if I am someone else's idea - who is it?
AND Where did their world come from???
This is exciting, and overwhelming all at once. Damn you anonymous gift giver! Damn you!
In addition to the mystery of my existence I am also left trying to figure out who my anonymous gift giver is! I'm not sure which is more distracting to tell you the truth. Though I admit maybe I should be a little concerned about it. I'm not (okay - maybe just enough to double check the door and window locks lol). Mostly, I'm thrilled to have something to think about - something of my own. A new book and some exercise for my brain.
Having said that ....if my secret friend is reading this blog and planning to give me any more books....could you make it something like a Where's Waldo please?? I don't think I can handle much more right now :D
G'Night (if you can sleep with this stuff rolling around in YOUR head!)
Monday, 5 March 2012
Promises
I've always loved the movie Finding Nemo. There's an awesome conversation between a sea turtle and Nemo's over protective Dad. They are talking about letting kids go out into the world. "How do you know they're ready" asks Marlin (the Dad) "Well, ya' never really know" says the hippie sea turtle, "but when they know, you'll know". I love this...I think it's so perfect and honest and true!
The boys and I had an outing yesterday with some good friends. They pampered us with a relaxing afternoon by putting Nemo on their enormous television. (Trystan thought we were at the movies lol). Near the end of the film there was another conversation I had previously missed - this time it brought me to tears. Nemo's Dad, speaking about his son says "I promised I'd never let anything happen to him." and his friend Dori replies "that's a strange thing to promise!" OH my GOD!! (Tears - here we go again)
Isn't this the promise so many of us make? The promise that haunts us through every new experience, every mistake, every injury. We, as parents see ourselves as the protectors, and burden oursleves with the notion that we are supposed to protect our children from the world. When in fact - this is NOT our job. Our job is to be there. In the being there our duty changes with each moment and every experience. Sometimes we are supposed to intervein (of course)and protect them, other times we are mearly there to ease the fall, help heal the wounds - or (hardest of all) witness the learning and do nothing. We are there to put things into perspective, help them understand what is a BIG deal and what is a little 'bummer'. We are there to root for, cheer for, cry with and console. BUT we are not GODS.
Life is supposed to happen.
Our children NEED us to allow life to happen for them.
We should be preparing them for the choices, consequences and difficulties. We should be doing all we can to ease them into the hard stuff and yet....let things happen.
And so...today I released myself from the promise - to never let anything happen. I've made a new promise.
I promise to do my best, to pick the right moments. To recognize the difference between grave and uncomfortable.
I promise to protect my children as best I can in the moments they need protecting and be there in a supportive, loving capacity in the moments when life happens.
I promise, that I will allow my children to see me laugh as well as cry. I will be brave sometimes, and share my fears without shame so that they will know it's right and safe to do both in this family.
I will listen to my children and learn with them as they learn through their experiences.
And if they will allow me the priviledge I will share my life experiences with them so that hopefully they can learn through some of my mistakes and not have to make all the same ones themselves.
I promise most of all - to never make a promise I can't keep. Like - for example, never letting anything happen to them.
Because - what a shame it would be if I got in the way of this challenging, beautiful journey they are embarking on. Life.
In addition to this new promise I've added a prayer.
'Dear Sweet Destiny, please be kind with my children.'
G'night
The boys and I had an outing yesterday with some good friends. They pampered us with a relaxing afternoon by putting Nemo on their enormous television. (Trystan thought we were at the movies lol). Near the end of the film there was another conversation I had previously missed - this time it brought me to tears. Nemo's Dad, speaking about his son says "I promised I'd never let anything happen to him." and his friend Dori replies "that's a strange thing to promise!" OH my GOD!! (Tears - here we go again)
Isn't this the promise so many of us make? The promise that haunts us through every new experience, every mistake, every injury. We, as parents see ourselves as the protectors, and burden oursleves with the notion that we are supposed to protect our children from the world. When in fact - this is NOT our job. Our job is to be there. In the being there our duty changes with each moment and every experience. Sometimes we are supposed to intervein (of course)and protect them, other times we are mearly there to ease the fall, help heal the wounds - or (hardest of all) witness the learning and do nothing. We are there to put things into perspective, help them understand what is a BIG deal and what is a little 'bummer'. We are there to root for, cheer for, cry with and console. BUT we are not GODS.
Life is supposed to happen.
Our children NEED us to allow life to happen for them.
We should be preparing them for the choices, consequences and difficulties. We should be doing all we can to ease them into the hard stuff and yet....let things happen.
And so...today I released myself from the promise - to never let anything happen. I've made a new promise.
I promise to do my best, to pick the right moments. To recognize the difference between grave and uncomfortable.
I promise to protect my children as best I can in the moments they need protecting and be there in a supportive, loving capacity in the moments when life happens.
I promise, that I will allow my children to see me laugh as well as cry. I will be brave sometimes, and share my fears without shame so that they will know it's right and safe to do both in this family.
I will listen to my children and learn with them as they learn through their experiences.
And if they will allow me the priviledge I will share my life experiences with them so that hopefully they can learn through some of my mistakes and not have to make all the same ones themselves.
I promise most of all - to never make a promise I can't keep. Like - for example, never letting anything happen to them.
Because - what a shame it would be if I got in the way of this challenging, beautiful journey they are embarking on. Life.
In addition to this new promise I've added a prayer.
'Dear Sweet Destiny, please be kind with my children.'
G'night
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