Living

When I was pregnant with Trystan I began having nightmares.
The first was probably the most frightening experience of my life. I call it a nightmare - but in truth, it was an experience that changed me.  It felt like a brush with something unworldly.  I still find it difficult to talk about and I am often haunted by images or thoughts from this experience.
The other nightmares emerged with a recurrent theme of drowning. Each time I was responsible...each time - we all drown.  It was horrifying.  I was afraid that these were foreshadowing of some sort of postpartum psychosis and had no idea what to make of them.
One day a client of mine was telling me about the dream work she was doing to deal with her own depression.  She explained that dreams are simply stories that can never harm you - but you need to assign meaning to them in order to direct your conscious and alleviate stress.  She had no idea that day what an impact she was having on me (she should have been the one getting paid for that session!)  I went home thinking about all these terrible images I had been grappling with in my sleep.  What could the meaning be?  How can I turn these experiences into something positive - useful...or at the very least - less terrifying?
The first - I have to admit I have never fully come to grips with - but have gained some level of comfort from the idea that I needed to stop allowing shame and guilt to play such a powerful role in my life.  I'm still working on these abilities.
The other dreams...the drowning dreams have become a huge part of my parenting philosophy.  In these dreams - I realised - that I was never actually afraid.  I did all I could to save myself and my family - but I only felt fear when I woke up and realised what I had been dreaming.  So there it is...I decided that as a mother I need to teach my children  - do everything you can to live - but never be afraid to die.
This may seem very dark and gloomy to some, but I find it inspiring.  It gives me direction in my parenting - and in my spirituality.  We are not a religious family in the church sense of the word.  But we have strong beliefs in the universe, in goodness and love and living life in a mindful way.  I believe that being able to talk about death is an important part of living.  Recognising the circle of life - and exploring your ideas about what is 'beyond' can be an exciting conversation! Most of all - I believe that the worst part of death is the fear of it. So...if we can find a way NOT to fear it, we are free to live!
Don't get me wrong...I don't kiss my kids on the head at night and say..."fight to live but die smiling!"  I just keep this idea in the back of my mind - and I reflect carefully on how I answer questions - how I will answer questions as they come in the future.  We encourage our children to value all lives from bugs to biggies.  We talk about death in a matter of fact way - try not to make it more or less than it is.  And we talk about life in all its beauty.  We point out the changing of seasons.  We notice out loud the smells in the air, the greens all around us, the flowers sprouting up from last years bulbs.

Life is not always easy, it can be ugly and confusing and we are all touched at times by things that we can not understand. But living...living is a marvellous thing no matter how long - or short - or challenging the experience may be...MARVELLOUS. If my children can understand that I will have done my job - and I will die smiling.  :D

G'Night