Lemonade

Who invented Lemonade?
Who ever it was must have been an optimist.
Same with Cranberry Juice - and wine!
Who else could take a sour nasty, rank piece of fruit and say "Hey!  I bet this would taste good if....!"

The people who first started eating cheese deserve some credit too.  Talk about positive thinking!  "Let's scrape the mold off and eat the stuff underneath!  I bet it'll be great on crackers!" 

We owe a lot to this type of thinking.  I mean seriously!  Wine and cheese!! 
We can learn a lot too.
About taking what looks like a negative and finding the positive.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently as I read the Facebook posts of friends and family who excitedly count down the days until they leave winter behind and head off on their tropical vacations.  I must admit I have a wee bit of travel envy  - and wouldn't complain about a little colour on my cheeks.  But truly - I'm loving winter!
I think a lot of people dread winter because of the snow shovelling and the cold chill down their neck - that's logical.  And who could claim to enjoy that insulting gust if wind that sends a clump of snow down the back of your neck.  BUT there is another side to winter.  The part where you get to come in from the cold and warm yourself with hot chocolate and cosy family meals.  The part where you invite friends over to watch a movie, drink tea or even better - go tobogganing!!

Believe it or not - as a stay at home mom I find winter easier than the fall.  we venture outside as often as possible.  Trystan plays while I shovel.  Loukah takes deeper longer naps and wakes up more cheerful than ever.  We have invented a game in which I shovel every last stitch of snow into a huge mound.  It's now taller than me.  I've even shovelled the lawn! lol  This is Trystans castle - or his mountain - or the scene of his most recent 'Survivor Challenge' depending on the mood of the day.  It works beautifully.  He plays delightedly and I get my exercises!  (The hardest thing to work into the day when home alone).  We go on 'snowy walks'.  Trystan rides in the toboggan behind me while I push Loukah's stroller.  We go hunting for Frosty - or seeking Santa.  If it's nice enough we go out after dark and look at the lights!

This is my lemonaid! The sweet taste of happiness in the middle of what could potentially be a very sour season.
Life is like that isn't it? A piece of juicy fruit.  You can accept it's bitter layers - or squeeze out every drop and sweeten it just to your liking!

So....are you a squeezer??


G'Night

Old Journals

Journaling is such a great thing.  It's a chance to record your thoughts etc - but what's really cool is when you go back and read old entries that hit home in a big way many years later.  I always think that means you've travelled the right path...it's a sort of synchronicity between the old you and the you you are today.  I've been reading through some old entries and a couple have really hit hard.  Given that Mothering seems to have emerged as my recent theme I thought I'd share this one.  I think it was written about 10 years ago.

"It's funny how sometimes things you've known in your heart for years come flooding into your brain like an epiphany.  Like the sudden realisation that your parents are always going to be "Mom and Dad" and the house they live in will always be "home".  Maybe it's because they bring the things you grew up with.  Maybe it's because there are pictures and stories and blankets that bring moments and memories flooding back.  For me I think maybe it's the simple fact that - to them - I will always be that little girl that loved to dance on the piano bench and stare out the window looking at "all the people".  It's sad and wonderful all at once.
Under the roofs that kept me warm and dry and loved for so many years I've learned and grown and become a woman - Wonderful
I've had to learn many a lesson the hard way, there have been times when I felt pretty pitiful - even jaded.  Not that little girl at all - Sad
I've experienced and grown to understand my life lessons in a way that shapes who I become and will influence the environment my own children will grow up in - wonderful.
No matter how low I got my parents were always there to remind me of who I was as a child - who I was to them - and who I could be, if I wanted to be again - Unspeakable magic "

A dear friend pointed out to me recently that I am one of her few friends who not only can tolerate my parents for extended periods of time- but looks forward to visits.  She asked me what I thought the secret was.  What was it that they did - or didn't do that keeps me coming back.  At first I was taken aback.  Is it really that unusual??  I'd never thought about it.  It is possible that my children could grow up and not want to visit me??  This is terrifying!!  Then I thought about it - and have continued to think about it since.  What is it??  It's this....the stuff this 10 year old journal entry was getting at.  The pure love, the acceptance.  The quirky imperfections and the humour.  The fact that there is no pressure to be anything - except happy - true to ourselves.  My parents didn't raise me to be a certain person.  Of course they instilled their values and ideals.  But they didn't try to shape me.  Instead, they noticed who I was and nurtured that.  Helped me to remember when I felt lost and have been endlessly supportive.

This will be my unwavering goal as a mother.  And if all goes well, my kids will visit me too ;D

G'Night

A quick Tidbit about TimBits

I have a theory.
You can determine a persons level of contentment by the way they order timbits.

6 or more:    may require some therapy or at least is in need of a vacation
3-5:      relatively happy person who just feels a little something is missing ( may have been breakfast ;))
1-2:      a generally satisfied individual
Less than 1:  Self actualized

Maslow had it wrong

I'll just have a bite of yours!

G'Night
(Mom and Dad)

Even Insomnia has an upside

The insomnia started sometime during my second pregnancy.  It comes and goes and has never lasted for more than two weeks.  Usually it's caused by Restless Leg Syndrome - sometimes it's caused by....I don't know - life I guess. 
The first time I had insomnia really badly (for an extended time) was shortly after Loukah was born. Eric had gone to work so I was alone with the boys, and I couldn't fall asleep - or stay asleep.  I tried everything.  I mean EVERYTHING.  Every suggestion anyone had to offer and everything I had ever suggested to clients at work.  It was not only useless but agonisingly frustrating.  I came to wonder how it was after all these years none of my clients had ever punched me in the face? lol...all the time spent offering well meaning, completely crappy ideas!  What a bunch of kind and patient folks I've been working with!
Upside number one - I will be a better case worker because I will have more empathy and less handy dandy BS to offer.

My typical way of managing sleep issues is to try to relax.  I tell myself I may not be sleeping but at least I can try to rest.  This is not as easy as it sounds when your legs are doing the holky pokey all by themselves...but I try.  I let my mind wander - try to think about pleasant things - try to appreciate the quiet.

Upside number two - I have a little time to myself in a quiet house

Recently I've had a lot on my mind.  Starting this Blog has been kind of like opening a public diary and it's got me doing a lot of soul searching.  Writing about mothering in particular has been a revelation.  I always knew I wanted children in my life - be they mine - other peoples - family - adopted....somehow or another I would be sure to have the presence of children.  AND I love being a mother!  But this is only one role I play - a small and solitary part of who I am.

Upside number three - soul searching

I've spent some time staring at the ceiling and asking myself - who I am now....who do I want to be...and what do I need in order to bring back the balance (who knows - maybe this will solve some of the insomnia?!?) I haven't come up with all the answers...but I have a few good ideas.

First and foremost I am a people person.
I love people...they fascinate me.  They entertain - inspire - at times disappoint me.  At the end of the day I know in my heart that the nature of people is fundamentally good.
I am an optimist
I am very athletic in my heart - only average athletic in my body....but I can dance like a Demon on fire!! I have MUSIC in my SOUL !! :D

I value compassion above all other traits.  I believe that without compassion nothing else works.

I WANT to be...
A go getter (but I'm kind of lazy ...teehee)
Inspirational (but my life is pretty average ...ah well...)
Skinny (but I love sweet things...yummm..)

I will settle for...
Children who know they are loved and grow up understanding compassion
A family and friends who understand the depths to which I cherish them.
Retro 70's furnishing in a well built home lol ( you gotta' see it to believe it!)

I will not settle for...
Forgetting my own goals (like going back to school - or doing foreign aid work)
Growing sedentary
Standing idly by while others suffer

There is alot more I'm still thinking about.  My life's passion, deepest regret, purest goal.  I'm far from having it figured out.  Which leads to

Upside number four-  You always know there will be time to think about it some more.

I'd prefer a tropical vacation with a bottle of wine and my journal.
Instead I have insomnia and this blog.
Ah....could be much worse ;)

G'Night

Essence

This is the way it feels today...

The essence of life is not something that can be found packaged or bottled, or at the end of any long journey.
It is rather seen in the adouring eyes of your lover.
Heard in the laughter of children.
Smelled in the air after an early autumn rain.
Felt in the warm touch of sand running through your toes.  Or the chill as you walk bare foot in the snow.

There is no definition, no description, no explanation. 
There is only the strangely exciting moment when you experience these things - often for the hundredth time - as if they were the first.

The esence of life is captured within you the moment you gaze back into those eyes.
Fill your lungs with that air.
Bask in the joyful sound - or better yet join in the play of those children!

You are truly living when you walk more often with your shoes off!

Looking, seeing, hearing, touching - LOVING
Never allowing the everyday moments and happenings to become mundane.

Life is not a conquest.
It's not even a quest!
It's an experience.
Meant to be savoured and cherished.
Meant to be tasted.  Used as if it were the warmest cloak on the coldest ,darkest night.
RELISHED

Life is about loving
It's about hurt and forgiveness
Hard work and beautiful rewards.
Life is about giving and never looking back.

Life is about all of the things we most often forget.
Patience- Tolerance -Playfulness
Honesty - Humility - Emotion

Life is an endless stream of choices, consequences and memories.
For even the smartest,  and most lucky
The key is the pay attention - listen closely - be willing to accept the consequences
AND most of all, LOVE the rewards.


G'Night

How do you spell Epiphany???

I don't know - is that right? E P I P H A N Y?  It looks wrong - but no matter.
Last night after a particularly strange day coming on the heels of a couple tough weeks in which Trystan is asserting his little Toddler self in Big Toddler ways....I fell asleep...before he did lol.
I woke up at about 3 in the morning and stumbled into the kitchen to make Loukah a bottle - I reached for the formula and found myself scooping peanut butter instead!  Next I headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth.  I stood there pondering recent events.  I can't say I've been particularly pleased with the way I've handled some of T man's behaviour lately.  I am surprised by how easy it is to be a good parent when your child is good - and how hard it is to still be a good parent when your child is pressing all your buttons (with vigor and pleasure I might add! lol).  I have found myself yelling (a promise we long ago made NOT to do in this home), bribing, and having conversations like... "Stop it" - "no you stop it"! 
Oh my God - did I actually get into a "you stop it" fight with my three year old!?  For shame Mommy!

So...I stood staring at that little pink card, the one I spoke about New Years Eve.  Stood, staring, waivering between laughter and tears.  I was feeling amused -yet  a little ashamed - and quite tired.  Suddenly I saw that little phrase as if for the first time.  Today - suddenly I read it from the perspective of mothering. The card in full reads:

"Loving is the whole point
Love Imperfectly
Keep surprise close at hand
Make lots of mistakes
Be willing to live in between right and wrong." 

I cried.
I'm crying as I write this. With the deepest most unexplainable sense of relief.  Because in those moments when I find my three year old is getting the best of me.  Or that I'm failing my infant because he gets no where near the time and attention Trystan got as an infant; I sometimes feel lost in mothering. I fear that I'm doing something wrong.  But when I read my little pink card - I think things here are so very right. AND when I think even further about this little life we've built (Eric and I )- it's not perfect or simple but it works.  In fact we often comment about how rich and lucky we feel!  I think that's because - to the depths of our being - we believe that LOVING is the whole point.  Maybe this is lifes meaning?  Maybe it's been staring me in the face all this time?  The meaning of life isn't just to live it.  It's to LOVE.

I'm rambling now...better go scoop some peanut butter for the baby and hang the cat up to dry ;p

G'Night
(with Love)

Mothering

We have two beautiful children.  Trystan is three now and (true to his name) he's one of the most loving children I've ever met (yes I know I'm bias).  Loukah is 5 months and so full of joy I often wonder what life he lived before this one!  Those little eyes twinkle like a soul that's seen a lot of beauty :)
Mothering hasn't come as easily to me as I thought it might - or as people who know me may have assumed.  I love people and have always loved taking care - but having a child of my own was an adjustment like no other.  It took me a very long time to realize that I was someones mother!  I still think "how is this possible?  I'm someones child NOT someones mother!"  But it's a beautiful adventure.
We have a number of friends and family now who have become parents themselves and we enjoy the conversations that stem from it all.  The challenges - the funny moments - the priceless quotes that our children come up with.  It's quite possibly the hardest job and most certainly (in my opinion) the most important one of our lives.  I have often found myself saying "having children doesn't make your life better or worse - just different"  and I believe this entirely.  What it does offer, in my experience, is an emotional richness that can not be compared or explained.  I spend 7 out of 14 days alone with my two kids. By the end of these weeks I am usually pretty tired.  I smell bad.  The house is a disaster.  There's a lot of laundry piled up.  But I feel porud and satisfied with what I've done.  I've spent a week with my children.  We've snuggled, played, gone on adventures.  We've learned from each other and loved each other - in a perfectly imperfect way.

I had a conversation with a dear friend today about mothering.  About the day to day life of spending time with your child.  Everyone does it so differently! There sometimes seems to be a pressure to do more, be more, expose your child to more.  There always seem to be those mothers that have it all together, keep the house clean, volunteer, teach Sunday school, bake fresh banana bread. Their houses are clean and they even brush their hair and smell good and the end of the week to boot! It's hard not to get caught up in comparing yourself - wondering if you're supposed to be doing more.  I found myself saying.  "What you're doing is what you're supposed to be doing"  I didn't mean to sound like a line from a movie but I realized it did.  "How can I not be myself".  After I got off the phone I kept thinking about it - and it just became so powerfully clear.  Mothering is not about "supposed to"  there is no "supposed to".  Mothering is about being yourself - with your child - in whatever capacity feels right.  It's about allowing your child to absorb and experience the world through the veil of energy you provide.  There's no right or wrong or "supposed to" it that!  We are different because of the differences in the way our parents raised us - and our children will be the wonderful people they become because of the way we raise them!  So...what does this mean?   I have no idea.  But for some reason - at the end of this day I feel a little less shy about being the stinky disorganized mom.  And I have a little less resentment for little Miss.  6 kids perfect hair!  To each their own....and I'll keep mine thanks very much because I have Joy and Love and that's enough for me.  :)